You’re young and a little tipsy, a delightful guy chats you up, you drink some more cheap booze that was available at the party and end up at one or the other’s place. Then you listen to more music, laugh and drink whatever alcohol is available… ending up in bed together. In the morning, you can hardly remember what happened, let alone whether you used contraception. More women will recognise this type of scenario than will want to admit it. The million-dollar question is: Have you been there?
Love-gone-sour
“I have,” readily confessed Adaora, a happily married beautician now in her 40s. “I had an abortion in my first year at university over 25 years ago.
Some things don’t change, do they? Of course, we were all told to stare clear of dates with men as such behaviour was not to be encouraged—not least because it could end in not just tears, but a baby or an abortion. Even in those days, for many of us who had an abortion, it was no big deal.
With my parents breathing down my back to take control of my life, I had a lot of growing up to do when I discovered I was pregnant. Horrified at having a baby whilst in the university, my future looking so rosy, I saw no choice —-1 wanted an abortion.
“But I was scared—neither I nor the geek who got me pregnant knew anything about how to get one. With me virtually dying of fright, I told my mother, expecting the heavens to fall. To my relief and surprise, I discovered that my super-efficient, academic mother was not as furious as I’d expected. My mother confessed that when she was a student in the 60s, she too had an abortion.
According to her, it was the right decision for her to make and she efficiently arranged for me to have one. She made me realise that having an abortion as early as possible was wise and right. It was not about a lifestyle choice—it was about realising that the decision to bring a child into this world was the most serious you could make. I mean which is worse: to bring an unwanted baby into a chaotic life or to terminate the pregnancy at the earliest possible moment?
“To me, the ‘crime’ is being reckless with your fertility and then irresponsibly and stupidly dithering so long about an unwanted pregnancy that an abortion is carried out very late.”
I have often received letters to my advice column expressing guilt at abortions carried out years earlier—and naturally, I sympathise. What else can I do? Yet there is another side—those women who know they have made the right decision and vow to get on with their lives.
When I asked Adaora how often she thinks about the abortion she had all those years ago, she replied without hesitation: “I think about it once in a while and than I get sad. But I never regret it. I can honestly say I’ve never felt bad about having a very early termination at the end of 1989. The decision freed me to complete my studies, get married to a responsible man with whom I now have three adorable children, and run a fairly successful business…”
No advice columnist likes the thoughtless cliches such as ‘Get over it’ and ‘Move on’. Yet sometimes we have to accept what happens to us—accept the sadness as well as the change and continue with life. “We all make mistakes and have to deal with the consequences, but that doesn’t mean there is no possibility of a happy ending— just as I did, and just as many thousands of women have, whether they will admit it or not,” concludes Adaora.
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